DEAR A & E ...

Dear Arts and Entertainment Channel Executives,

Before I fire up the gang and leave for my annual business trip, I wanted to take a moment to offer you a hearty and deeply-felt thank you for taking care of my toughest customer.

Every year on December 26 we put them at the top of the list on our shop marker board. And every year as the time grows short we find coming up with the right present a nearly impossible task. Their faces vary greatly from location to location – their diversity is staggering – their wants, wishes and needs are very tough to distill, and, in many cases, are contradictory.

I of course am talking about the American Public.

I don’t know if the recent suspension of Phil Robertson from your hit show ‘Duck Dynasty' was the result of shrewd planning and intelligent brainstorming, or if it was, like many of our own greatest accomplishments, a happy accident. No matter – it got the job done in a big way, and saved us many hours of labor and frustration.

To those who cluster on AP’s right, the suspension is a huge windfall.  It will provide them infinite opportunities to condemn their favorite objects of contempt: the left-wing media, the cultural elites, the out-of-touch entertainment industry, the permissive ‘Sodom and Gomorrah our modern age has become.’ They can decry violations of the United States Constitution that they not only don’t understand but also for which they clearly have a great deal of disdain (although they would vigorously deny this). 

Sister Sarah has already declared free speech an endangered species. An Illinois congressional candidate said Phil Robertson is the Rosa Parks of this generation. Even when the boys and girls in the workshop break out the bong they couldn't come up with this stuff.

And as a bonus those who exploit their fears and hatred and misunderstandings and market accordingly to them will undoubtedly see huge profits in the coming weeks and months, and not a minute too soon. The Obama inspired Second Amendment hysteria has seen its day but can now be supplemented by a fresh new First Amendment hysteria. Ingenious. The ‘I Stand With Phil’ t-shirts, ball caps, and camouflage gear alone will send sales through the roof. Right wing radio has never been given a greater gift than this. Fox and Friends can milk this for hours and hours of indignation and hand-wringing and exasperated ain’t-it-awfuls from Doucey and Carlson.

Those who cluster of AP’s left aren’t doing so bad themselves. Phil’s suspension from your network has presented them a veritable artesian well of inspiration. They can roll out and reinforce their own pet stereotypes about Southern white guys and gun owners and Christian fundamentalists, and spin them indefinitely. The irony of prejudice among those who condemn prejudice most vociferously is an endless source of entertainment for us up here at the North Pole. Ah ... the Hate of the Hate Condemners. Priceless!

Of course your actions do have a downside. The erosion of civility in public discourse has been given a shot in the arm and will no doubt continue unabated. As you know, this is the cost of doing business and making money. Free enterprise can scarcely afford to go all soft and squishy now.

Good work A&E, and once again thank you. The American Public got an early Christmas this year and to you we are most grateful.

Sincerely,

S. Claus

North Pole  12/23/2013